Desire Clarification, Part I

MANAGING STRESS IN OUR MATURE YEARS

Several decades ago Canadian psychologist, Hans Selye wrote a best-selling book about stress.  His perception was, as I recall it, that stress motivates us to do things and is not a bad thing unless we allow ourselves to become distressed.  That is perhaps a useful play on words, but I prefer to use the term “desire” rather than stress.  In simple terms, if you are thirsty you desire water and you will seek it –- if you are hungry your desire might motivate you to go to your refrigerator.

Some time ago I made a promise to write an article on stress for a professional newsletter.  It Is my desire to fulfill my commitment.  If I delay or procrastinate in responding to my desire to keep my promise I will probably be stressed or in Selye’s use of words become “distressed.”

If we have that uncomfortable feeling in our gut (fear) it is to alert us that something is amiss.  The purpose of this discomfort is to get our attention.  If we react to this awareness by becoming stressed you can be sure that we are being moved by ego-based fear.  If we continue to entertain fearful thoughts the fear will cause us to become stressed (or in Selye’s opinion distressed). 

Step one in the process of overcoming this discomfort is to allow –- or “own” this thought.  In the teaching of A Course In Miracles, embrace it.

 

Please keep one thing in mind:  The only place I have real control over my life is my thoughts.  If I dwell on my fear-based reaction I am stressed.  It is well to remember that the Law of Attraction is very real –- if I continue to entertain fear based thoughts what am I attracting?  If I ask, “What can I do about this?”     The message here is: I can choose again, replace the fear-based, negative thought with a positive one!

When my discomfort causes awareness that something is “out of kilter” I can choose to respond rather than react.  To respond is to thoughtfully think through the situation causing the discomfort and rationally decide what I am  going do about it.  In Ekhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now is the following process, paraphrased a bit:  Accept [allow] whatever is happening as if you had planned it in every detail. Don’t fight it.  Work with it, not against it [don’t fear it].  Then, if possible and appropriate take action.  This will change your very life.

Many philosophers have told us:  The thought is father of the deed.  Said another way, once we have accepted any thought as valid the behavior to support it is automatic.  If the thought originated as a fear-based reaction –- from stress –- and you continue to entertain it, you will live with more fear-based stress, not less.  We can discipline ourselves to choose again.   The same psychological dynamic applies to positive (love)-based thoughts -– when we “own” them our behavior will support them!

CLARIFYING DESIRE

I have found the following described exercise to be unbelievably useful in helping me decide what I really, really, REALLY desire.  When we are actively pursuing a strong desire it is likely that stress will disappear.

I am referring to The Way of Mastery, ( another spiritual self-help book) Chapter 4 -- DESIRE IS EVERYTHING.  This exercise also introduces us to the very important element of ALLOWING.   The rationale for this exercise is that unless we are absolutely clear on our desire, the second step, intention, will be fuzzy at best and probably impotent -- then the whole thing goes away and we have done nothing to assuage our stress.  The other two steps in this process are allowing and surrender. 

This is an activity that will enable you to be clearer on your desires than ever before and will only take you about 15 minutes in the morning for 7 mornings - – they need not be consecutive.

STEP ONE –- CLARIFYING DESIRES

·  In the morning, after you are fully awake but before beginning your normal activities take a piece of paper and enter the date at the top.

· Next, list 7 things that you really, really desire at that time.  They need not be prioritized, just strongly desired.

·  Do this for 7 mornings without referring to the previous lists.

·  Put the lists in a drawer and do not refer to them until the 8^th day.

· On the 8^th day take the seven lists (49 desires) and on a separate sheet of paper categorize or “batch” them.  (My review of my 47 desires boiled down to just 5.  One of them was clearly much more important than the other 4.)

·      Decide which desire(s) you choose to bring to reality.

Please come back next week for action steps on HOW to bring your desire(s) to reality.




Peace,

Bud.

Who is the Giver?

·      Giving and receiving are the same --- A Course In Miracles

   

WHO IS THE GIVER

Who is the giver, he who can divest?

Or he who is receiving with thanks he can express?

I won’t complain about the past, the future I don’t know,

but just today I think I see forever in the glow.

The chance for us to learn and grow is always opportune, tomorrow is just a breath away and is yesterday so soon.

We waste and fret and stress ourselves and miss the beauty known.

 

We rush right past the quiet part and wonder what went wrong.

But time we have in like amount, to love the life we’re living.  We have enough and will complete if we can learn of giving.   

We know we need the heat and cold and the snow and rain,  There’s something else we need to know:

GIVING AND RECEIVING ARE THE SAME

Who is the giver, She who can divest?

Or she who is receiving, with thanks she can express?

                                                                      

                                                                                 

Peace,

Bud

A special note: The audiobook version of CHANGING PLACES is now available through Audible, iTunes, and Amazon. Click HERE for the Amazon link.

AN ESSAY ON "RIGHT THINKING"

Motivation research has demonstrated that, for most people, money is not a primary motivator.  So, why do people work? The simplest answer, and perhaps the best, is that people work to satisfy their needs, wants, and desires. Let’s consider these one at a time:

·       Needs -- necessary for survival

·       Wants -- not necessary for survival but in the same category

·       Desires -- Includes things money cannot buy

     Now let us ask, What will motivate people who are not dissatisfied with what they have to greater levels of productivity?  The answer is: Any event that increases feelings of self-worth and confidence. We want things that money can buy but we also desire things money cannot buy. To take this thought process to its next higher level let us now consider being Agenda Driven and it’s near opposite, Mission Driven.

Agenda Driven

     In our culture we are taught from an early age that to be a winner is highly desirable and that winners are strongly goal oriented people.  When we clarify our goals we have identified predetermined outcomes that we want--- be they needs, wants or desires.  When we have an agenda it is primarily designed to satisfy our needs, wants, and/or desires.  Let us remember what the sales training guru Zig Ziglar taught: “The way to get what you want is to help others get what they want.” 

Mission Driven

When we are responding to our nobler emotions our genuine concern is, How can I serve?    It has been scientifically demonstrated that positive thoughts have positive energy and this energy creates an emotional environment affecting all people who are in that field of energy, as the following story demonstrates:

     I was conducting a sales and team building seminar for a group of real estate sales people in an outstanding ERA, INC practice in Bangor, Maine.  When I introduced the concept of being Mission Driven as a sales technique several sales people made comments to the effect that being mission driven couldn’t work in real estate.  When the last of the opposition to the concept had been voiced a petite, gray-haired, grandmotherly lady stood up and said, “I’ve never referred to it as being mission driven but that has been my sales technique for the past several years.  I came to adopt this style quite by accident. One month I had the good fortune to exceed my monthly sales goal in the first week.  For the rest of that month, with each potential client, I concentrated on “how can I help this person?” I had never experienced such appreciation and acceptance as I did for the remainder of that month and I have never deviated." The sixty-five year old lady had been the top sales person in the agency for three consecutive years!

                                                                                                         

Peace,

Bud

COMMITMENTS FOR A HAPPY, HARMONIOUS FAMILY LIFE

1.   ALWAYS BE WILLING TO DO MORE THAN YOUR SHARE

Empty the dishwasher, even though you did it last time.

Take out the trash just because the wastebasket is full.

2.   NEVER SAY AN UNCOMPLIMENTARY THING ABOUT A FAMILY MEMBER ---ESPECIALLY BEHIND HIS OR HER BACK

Live the Golden Rule --- do you want them to slam you? 

Most of us have not overcome ego, so words do hurt us.

3.    AGREE, AS A FAMILY, TO LIMIT MEALTIME CONVERSATIONS TO “HIGHLIGHTS”

Positive thoughts give positive emotions, aid digestion and bring happiness.

Mealtime is not the time to deal with negativity --- there is time for that later.

4.    PARTICIPATE IN FAMILY ACTIVITIES EVEN WHEN INCONVENIENT

The family that plays together stays together.

“Let your child out” and enjoy the board game --- you will be glad you did!

5.    CREATE ONE-TO-ONE TIME WITH EACH FAMILY MEMBER

Family therapists strongly advocate this activity.

The only rule --- It is “off the table” to talk about other family members.

6.    NEVER BE LATE OR ABSENT FROM A FAMILY EVENT FOR TRIVIAL REASONS

Your future quality of life will be influenced by the relationship with your family.

7.   FROM TIME TO TIME GO TO YOUR SPOUSE OR OTHER FAMILY MEMBER AND ASK:  “WHAT COULD I DO TO MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP BETTER FOR YOU?” 

If you like what you hear great!  If you don’t just say, “Let me think about that!”

FREEDOM AND LOVE ARE INSEPARABLE - To extend freedom to family  members to pursue their path is unconditional love.      

Peace,
Bud                                                                                                              

More From Grandma Ham

I was blessed during my growing up years to live less than 50 yards from one set of grandparents --- Grandma and Grandpa Ham.  They were my refuge during periods of disharmony, most of which I caused!

I know my mother struggled to maintain sibling harmony between  my three sisters and I and two female cousins who also lived nearby.  Being out numbered five to one I was frequently at odds with the females! 

When it seemed obvious that a situation was developing that would probably end up with me being disciplined I would often make a hasty exit and go visit Grandma.  I am positive that she was almost always aware that my errant behavior had prompted the visit.  In all those years she never, not even once, scolded or criticized me –-- even the time when she knew my friend Milton and I smoked a cigarette.  Never a guilt-creating criticism --- just priceless guidance.

RELEVANT SUGGESTIONS

Prior to my consulting career I was an employee of the Mountain Bell Telephone Company, an AT&T company, for 20 years.   It was a very honorable company and afforded repeated opportunities for personal and professional growth. 

I began as a lineman and enjoyed the physically demanding work.  Three years later I was promoted to Combinationman and enjoyed the great variety of tasks maintaining telephone communications in the small mountain town off Salida, Colorado.  For a time I was known as Snowshoe Ham because of winter time maintenance of wire toll lines over the Continental divide. 

In my semi-annual performance reviews I was always rated as Completely Satisfactory or Outstanding.

In my eighth year of employment I was promoted to Business Salesman.  No more “blue collar” --- I wore a suit and tie every day.

I worked very hard at my new assignment.  Yet, in spite of my dedication to hard work and commitment to succeed as a salesman, I dreaded my semi-annual review.   I knew my performance was less than Completely Satisfactory.   Monthly sales could be measured to the penny -- some months I never made my objective.

 PERFORMANCE REVIEW

On the Friday afternoon of my scheduled review I entered my sales manager’s office with trepidation. After the normal greeting and a hand shake he put my fears at rest by saying,  “Bud, I believe you have a brilliant future with the Bell System and I want to help that happen sooner rather than later.”  He very well may have heard my sigh of relief!

During our meeting I knew I was in a safe place.  That safety was created by his tone of voice, choice of words and body language.  Several times during the review he would reach out and touch my arm and say, “and Bud hear this”   -- I was a sponge soaking up every word he said! 

 The review lasted about an hour.  During this time he gave me five relevant suggestions --- not one criticism.  As I left his office it was as if I was “floating” rather than walking—I was on such a high I did not sleep well all weekend and could hardly wait until Monday to implement his suggestions. 

For the next five months my results were outstanding -- I never received the next semi- annual review –- I was promoted to manage a large area of eastern Colorado.  

The Regional Manager I replaced was a nice person but as a manager he was inept.  It seemed that almost every decision I made me look like a star!   Three years later I was promoted again, this time to Management Trainer.

THE NEW ASSIGNMENT

My new assignment was to conduct week-long classes on behavioral management for twelve managers.  I was required to study human behavior.  I read books on management theory, personal growth, communications, and psychology.  I relished every bit of it.

I attended several classes on self-awareness, personal growth, group dynamics and training skills --- all sponsored by AT&T.  The concept defined below was introduced at one of these sessions.   I have found it profoundly useful.  I encourage you to study it carefully.

THE EMOTIONAL SCREEN OR “FILTER”

This psychological defense mechanism exists between each of us and the outside world.  Its function is to block out any information, coming from the outside world to me, if  it is threatening to my positive Self-Concept.  There are two main parts to Self-Concept: Self-Image (how I “see” me) and Self-Esteem (how I “feel” about the pictures.)

As the diagram depicts, words of praise and/or affirmation, pass unimpeded because they are reinforcing -- not threatening to the positive Self-Concept.  Not so with criticism.

NOTE: It is important for us to consider the teaching of many respected behavioral scientists who tell us:  “There is no such thing as “constructive criticism”, these are incompatible terms -- criticism is attack.”

As soon as the recipient of the criticism senses the negative content of the message, pain triggers the defense mechanism and blocks the communication. 

NOTE:  It is also important to know that if the recipient of criticism has low self-esteem, criticism reinforces the low self-worth!

OUR MENTAL CAPACITY

The human brain can only think of (or listen to) one thing at a time.  There is only one auditory nerve from the tympanic membrane to the brain and it can only carry one message at a time.  When fear interrupts the communication process, most people can think of only one thing -- self-preservation and escape and they miss the intended message, which could be very useful to them.  In this scenario only very secure, mature individuals have the ability remain focused on the message.  

Peace,

Bud.

The River of Life: Grandma Ham's Wisdom

One beautiful Indian summer day, when I was a small boy of nine or ten years, Grandma Ham and I were sitting in rocking chairs on her porch. Our family had recently undergone a family crisis. In her best story telling style she told me, “Buddy, life is like a mountain river, sometimes it runs still and smooth, deep and peaceful. But you can be sure that downstream there will be rapids and perhaps even falls. And then it will smooth out again for a time. Our challenge is to accept whatever the river of life hands us, doing our best and always knowing we are never left alone and comfortless by our creator. We should always remember -- this too, shall pass.”

The River of Life

Life is analogous to a river that each of God’s children, born into this life on earth, has chosen to experience. Firstly, let us accept that the River knows where it is going! If this becomes a “knowing” (stronger than a belief) it is an easily made decision to go with the flow! Because of our earth-bound educations, unless we accept this knowing, most human beings become “human doings” and resist or fight against the currents of life. Our human directed educations teach us to deal with life’s adversities by overcoming them by whatever means and energy it takes, thereby giving validity to the problem.

A Course in Miracles has taught us that every time we have chosen to view any life event as a problem, we can choose again! Lesson 193 in the Workbook is: All things are lessons God would have me learn. If I accept an event as a problem it is adversarial to my best interests and I must defeat it -- often at great expense of time, energy, and material resources. The other option is to accept the event as a lesson God would have me learn and the negative event is transformed into a blessing. If I decide it is a gift I have had a learning experience and avoided victimhood, which is always a choice.

The event is analogous to a large rock in The River of Life -- it is an opportunity to use Divine Guidance and have a positive learning experience rather than an event reducing joy in my life.

Quality of life improves as we travel down life’s river with a minimum of effort -- going with the flow rather than paddling upstream.



Peace,

Bud

ON TAKING THE HIGH ROAD; A PERPSECTIVE ON HUMAN EMOTIONS

The writing of this essay has been on my mind for quite some time.  Maybe some of my procrastination has to do with my awareness that understanding this concept and putting it to use can be a powerful, life altering activity.    My concern is: Can I adequately communicate it in this essay?  I have accepted the assignment.

For almost 30 years I have been a student of a spiritual path described in the three books of A Course in Miracles.  The Course teaches that there are only two basic emotions in our lives; they are love and fear.  All of our many emotional reactions are derivatives of one or the other.  For example selfishness, greed, revenge, anger, jealousy, lying, low self-esteem, intolerance and arrogance are all fear-based.  Conversely, generosity, forgiveness, compassion, tolerance, honesty and humility are love-based.  It is important to remember; every fear-based emotion has a love-based opposite.

Further it is important for us to realize that fear and love are opposites and co-variables.  They are opposites because we cannot be loving and fearful at the same time.  They are co-variables because if love goes up in our lives fear goes down and vice-versa. 

We probably are in agreement that all mentally healthy people want to be happy.  Let us also carefully consider that we can greatly influence the degree of happiness we experience by the decisions we make -- if we make more fear-based decisions than love-based ones we live with more fear -- if we make more love-based decisions we live with more love.  Of course, happiness is on the love-based side of the equation. 

The Influence of Attitudes

Your choice to make fear-based or love-based decisions will probably be influenced by another belief system/mental factor which can be described as an attitude.

·        One attitude is: We live in a world of plenty -- there is enough of everything.

                           Or it’s opposite

·        We live in a world of shortages.

If you think we live in a world of shortages fear will likely influence your primary motivation to be: What’s in it for me?  Rather than; “What is in the best interest of all concerned, including me?” 
To benefit from making love-based decisions -- taking the high road-- requires disciplining ourselves to consciously apply it, on a continuous basis, to every situation requiring a decision. It is of paramount importance to be ever mindful that fear-based decisions will not serve my desire for happiness -- and most importantly, I CAN CHOOSE AGAIN --it is that simple! 

A “MIND SET”

For a number of years I have highly respected the work of research psychologist Dr. J. B. Rotter.  In his book, Locus of Control, he identified two ways of thinking that effect a person’s decision making.  He referred to people as being either “Internals” or “Externals.” In short, Internals are optimists and Externals are pessimists.  Further he concluded that Externals believe in “fate, luck and powerful others” while Internals believe, “I am in charge of my own destiny.”

A further conclusion of Dr. Rotter is that Internals have a much greater tendency to trust while Externals are “non-trusters.” I found his work to be very useful, especially many clearly defined differences in quality of life between the two ways of thinking and being.  For example his research clearly validated the following:  Trusters (Internals) live longer; are happier; have more friends; have fewer heart attacks and other debilitating illnesses. He did find however that trusters are often taken advantage of, however, non-trusters miss out on many more of life’s joyful experiences.  One of his major conclusions was that, “It is better to trust unless you have reason not to!”

Non-trusters are much more likely to take the low road.

STEVEN COVEY’S TRUST ESSAY

DR. STEPHEN COVEY’S GREAT CONTRIBUTIONS:
NOTE: One of Dr. Covey’s greatest contributions to our society was his book The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People.  The following essay is without doubt equally true and useful.

THE ONE THING THAT CHANGES EVERYTHING

There is one thing that is common to every individual, relationship, team, family, organization, nation, economy, and civilization throughout the world -- one thing which, if removed, will destroy the most powerful government, the most successful business, the most thriving economy, the most influential leadership, the greatest friendship, the strongest character, the deepest love.
        On the other hand, if developed and leveraged, that one thing has the potential to create unparalleled success and prosperity in every dimension of life.  Yet, it is the least understood, most neglected, and most underestimated possibility of our time.

        That one thing is trust.

Trust impacts us 24/7, 365 days a year.  It undergirds and affects the quality of every relationship, every work project, every business venture, and every effort in which we are engaged.  It changes the quality of every present moment and alters the trajectory on outcome of every future moment of our lives -- both personally and professionally.

        Contrary to what most people believe, trust is not some soft, illusive quality that you either have or you don’t; rather trust is a pragmatic, tangible, actionable asset that you can create -- much faster than you probably think possible.

        While corporate scandals, terrorist threats, office politics, and broken relationships have created low trust on almost every front, I contend that the possibility to establish, grow, extend, and restore trust is not only vital to our personal and interpersonal well-being; it is the key leadership competency of the new global economy.

        I am also convinced that in every situation, nothing is as fast as the speed of trust. And, contrary to popular belief, trust is something you can do something about.  In fact, you can get good at it!

                                                                   Stephen Covey

Now let us talk about “high road” decisions and “low road” decisions.

--Sometimes we rationalize that we are “justified” to take the low road.  [RATIONALIZE—to devise self-satisfying but incorrect reasons for one’s behavior.  American Heritage Dictionary]

--It may be “legal” to take the low road.

--It is often more profitable to take the low road.

--Others might see taking the low road as the smart choice.

--Laziness might influence me to take the low road.

--Revenge might be my justification to take the low road.

“THE BOX”

In recent years we have heard the term “in the box.”  My senior citizen (read old fashioned) understanding of that term is that if I am “in the box” I will have increased difficulty being effective in my communications and therefore have greater difficulty accomplishing my objectives.  Not a good place to be!  I can put myself in the box by doing something that might be greatly -- or even marginally -- a violation of my value system and trying to justify it.  Making excuses inside my own head -- rationalizing.

The real problem is what happens next.  My avoidance of my own perception of responsible behavior leads me to feelings of guilt and I am led to rationalize by blaming others or circumstances over which I have no control -- I have chosen to be a victim.  The consequence of this is self-deception.  Said another way it is “intellectual dishonesty” -- being dishonest with myself.

At a very real and deep level avoidance of the responsibility of living my values leads to the penalty of reduced self-worth and a sense of powerlessness.  These factors will reduce my acceptance that I am in charge of my own destiny -- a great loss to quality of life.

Always take the high road!

                                                                     

                                                 

Email  bud.budham@gmail.com