I was
blessed during my growing up years to live less than 50 yards from one set of
grandparents --- Grandma and Grandpa Ham.
They were my refuge during periods of disharmony, most of which I
caused!
I know my
mother struggled to maintain sibling harmony between my three sisters and I and two female cousins who also lived
nearby. Being out numbered five to
one I was frequently at odds with the females!
When it
seemed obvious that a situation was developing that would probably end up with
me being disciplined I would often make a hasty exit and go visit Grandma. I am positive that she was almost
always aware that my errant behavior had prompted the visit. In
all those years she never, not even once, scolded or criticized me –-- even the time when she knew my friend Milton
and I smoked a cigarette. Never
a guilt-creating criticism --- just priceless guidance.
RELEVANT SUGGESTIONS
Prior to my
consulting career I was an employee of the Mountain Bell Telephone Company, an
AT&T company, for 20 years. It was a very honorable company and afforded repeated
opportunities for personal and professional growth.
I began as a
lineman and enjoyed the physically demanding work. Three years later I was promoted to Combinationman and
enjoyed the great variety of tasks maintaining telephone communications in the
small mountain town off Salida, Colorado.
For a time I was known as Snowshoe Ham because of winter time
maintenance of wire toll lines over the Continental divide.
In my
semi-annual performance reviews I was always rated as Completely Satisfactory
or Outstanding.
In my eighth
year of employment I was promoted to Business Salesman. No more “blue collar” --- I wore a suit
and tie every day.
I worked very
hard at my new assignment. Yet, in
spite of my dedication to hard work and commitment to succeed as a salesman, I
dreaded my semi-annual review. I knew my performance was less than
Completely Satisfactory. Monthly sales could be measured to the penny -- some
months I never made my objective.
PERFORMANCE REVIEW
On the
Friday afternoon of my scheduled review I entered my sales manager’s office
with trepidation. After the normal greeting and a hand shake he put my fears at
rest by saying, “Bud, I believe you have a brilliant future
with the Bell System and I want to help that happen sooner rather than later.” He very well may have heard my sigh
of relief!
During our
meeting I knew I was in a safe place.
That safety was created by his tone of voice, choice of words and body language. Several times during the review he
would reach out and touch my arm and say, “and
Bud hear this” -- I was a sponge soaking up every word he said!
The review lasted about an hour. During this time he gave me five relevant
suggestions --- not one criticism. As I left his office it was as if I
was “floating” rather than walking—I was on such a high I did not sleep well
all weekend and could hardly wait until Monday to implement his
suggestions.
For the next
five months my results were outstanding -- I never received the next semi-
annual review –- I was promoted to manage a large area of eastern Colorado.
The Regional Manager I replaced was a nice
person but as a manager he was inept.
It seemed that almost every decision I made me look like a star! Three years later I was promoted
again, this time to Management Trainer.
THE NEW
ASSIGNMENT
My new
assignment was to conduct week-long classes on behavioral management for twelve
managers. I was required to study
human behavior. I read books on
management theory, personal growth, communications, and psychology. I relished every bit of it.
I attended
several classes on self-awareness, personal growth, group dynamics and training
skills --- all sponsored by AT&T.
The concept defined below was introduced at one of these sessions. I have found it profoundly
useful. I encourage you to study
it carefully.
THE EMOTIONAL SCREEN OR
“FILTER”
This
psychological defense mechanism exists between each of us and the outside
world. Its function is to block
out any information, coming from the outside world to me, if it is threatening to my positive Self-Concept. There are two main parts to
Self-Concept: Self-Image (how I “see” me) and Self-Esteem (how I “feel” about
the pictures.)
As the
diagram depicts, words of praise and/or affirmation, pass unimpeded because they
are reinforcing -- not threatening to the positive Self-Concept. Not so with criticism.
NOTE: It is important for us to consider the teaching of many
respected behavioral scientists who tell us: “There is no such
thing as “constructive criticism”, these are incompatible terms -- criticism is
attack.”
As soon as
the recipient of the criticism senses the negative content of the message, pain
triggers the defense mechanism and blocks the communication.
NOTE: It is also important to know that if
the recipient of criticism has low self-esteem, criticism reinforces the low
self-worth!
OUR MENTAL
CAPACITY
The human
brain can only think of (or listen to) one thing at a time. There is only one auditory nerve from
the tympanic membrane to the brain and it can only carry one message at a
time. When fear interrupts the
communication process, most people can think of only one thing --
self-preservation and escape and they miss the intended message, which could be
very useful to them. In this
scenario only very secure, mature individuals have the ability remain focused on
the message.
Peace,
Bud.
